Trying to calm down

WOOSAH!!!!!

Deep breath in...and out!

I try really hard to not let things get to me. Just let them roll off my back and not get worked up and say things I will later regret. I am usually pretty good about this, I've learned to control my anger pretty well...but damn it! If there is one person on the face of this entire earth that can set it off it's Ben (aka my baby daddy)!

Just a bit of background...we met in Aug. '04 and on Oct. 31 '04 I found out I was pregnant with Makayla. It was not a planned pregnancy in the least (I was still recovering from the loss of my first pregnancy which resulted in the divorce from that marriage), but a miracle is a miracle! When I told Ben I told him I understood if he decided he didn't want to be a part of the babies life, but I was gonna keep it. At first he decided not to be, but 2 weeks later he changed his mind and told me he wanted to be a man and take responsibility. He told me he didn't love me and didn't want to get married just because of the baby and I was definitely in agreement with him on the marriage thing, but was irrevocably head over heals in love with him. Despite his confession he soon told me he loved me and in February he asked me to marry him. I of course said yes and on May 15, 2005 we were married! Then on June 25, 2005 we were blessed with a gorgeous baby girl! My life was perfect!

One thing I learned quickly about Ben was he strived hard for peoples affection. If he wasn't secure in his belief that he had yours he would do whatever he could to get it, and make you fall in love with him. As soon as he knew he had you he was quick to move on to gain the affection of the next person, and leave you standing there hoping to gain a small peek into that person that done back flips to gain your attention! I'd seen him do it with his family and friends, but had managed to fool myself into thinking he would not do it to me.

Two weeks before Makayla's 1st birthday I received a call from the girl he had been having an affair with almost a year. My whole body felt like it had just burst into flames. I cried for my broken heart, but I cried even harder because I knew what this would mean for Makayla. For the next year I fought and cried and became completely lost in getting my family back together. Even though he had moved in with this other girl I had not given up hope at the thought that things would work out.

A few months later he won a regional karaoke contest and his prize was a trip to Laughlin, NV (not far from Las Vegas) to compete in a national competition. He asked me to go with him and moved back home. I was so happy! I knew that this was it! I knew he'd finally come to his senses and things were gonna be golden for his from here on out! When I got to Laughlin I found out he was actually still seeing her and talking to her behind my back. I was crushed but still I tried to put on a happy face and give him all the attention he wanted. The day we got back to town he couldn't wait to get me home so he could go see her, I knew it but I talked myself into believing that he just had to go into work early. Even when I found out a few weeks later that she was pregnant I still bent over backwards to make it work. I told him we would work through it and I would be here for him through it.

We were still of and on and off and on. After everything he had put me through I still couldn't let go! Then on June 4 I got a phone call, Lane was born that morning. Two years to the month that his daughter was born, his son was born. As soon as I heard the baby crying in the background that last little thread broke...I couldn't do it anymore! I'd had enough! Two years and nearly 50 lbs later (I'd lost so much weight the girl with the big boobs and the big butt was now being asked if she was anorexic!) I'd finally found my breaking point!

Well in 2 weeks it will be the 2 year anniversary of this day and that man still is driving me crazy! He doesn't have anything to do with his son, he works part time as a karaoke dj on Beale St., on the weekends he's suppose to have Makayla he drops her off at his moms, and I have to hunt him down like a dog to get any kind of child support from him! I don't mean to sound like I'm bashing him, but I work my ass off to try and give Makayla a decent life and it just kills me when he doesn't have $20 to give me for milk and bread, but is able to go out of town on vacation for the weekend! Oh, but he's going with his mom and brother to Branson...so wouldn't it have been nice if they could have taken Makayla? She would have loved to go some place like that for the weekend...it's Branson not Las Vegas! Next to Disneyland that's one of the most kid friendly places in the U.S.! Instead she's gonna be stuck in the house with me all weekend with nothing to do because I had to spend all my money on bills to make sure she has a roof over her head! Then when I point this out he tries to make me feel like I'm some money hungry tyrant and I'm a bad mom! Agh!!!!!!!

WOOSAH!

I'm getting all worked up again. I just need to calm down. I know that Makayla and I will make it. I know that even though it is hard I am doing what is best for her and one day she will understand and appreciate that. I just hope that one day she doesn't look back and wonder why she wasn't good enough for her fathers attention. I hope that because he's such a dumb ass she won't question her own self worth. I pray that God will give me the strength and the knowledge to make the right decisions and be the best mother AND father that I can be.