Full Moon (not the movie)

I don't know if anyone noticed the full moon this weekend, but I know I've definitely been feeling it the past few days. If your not familiar with the cycles of the moon and how it affects moods it's really interesting to do a little research in. I'm not an expert or anything, but I know the 3 days following up to the full moon is usually a time of euphoria and excitement. Ever been in a really good mood and have no idea why, or what about those days when it's a lot easier to just let things roll off your back? Check the moon's cycles because a full moon may be the reason! Now, do you ever have those days when you just want to cry and any little thing can get under your skin?? That's usually what happens for the 3 days following the full moon. Granted, I think for some this has more of an affect than others depending on your chemical make up already, but for others like me...I am very much affected by moon cycles and planetary alignment.

So, guess what Sunday was...the full moon! I'm guessing that's why I've wanted to do nothing but ball my eyes out for the past 2 days! So, if you feel like you've been riding an emotional roller coaster this weekend don't make any rash decisions until at least Thursday or it may be a decision that you will later regret!

P.S. I finally got my comments working!! Apparently when I selected "Anyone" it really meant "no one"!

Home again, home again...

It's Sunday night, and I'm recovering from another weekend of bliss.

Friday after work Phillip and his son, Kaleb, picked Makayla and I up from Memphis to spend the weekend with them in Ft. Campbell. I was really apprehensive at first about meeting Kaleb, and even more apprehensive to see how well Makayla and Kaleb would get along. As soon as they pulled up one of my fears was instantly squished! They pull up and after giving me a hug Phillip opens up the back door to his truck and lifts out a miniature version of himself, down to the same eyebrows! Makayla being the social butterfly she is comes running out the door, "My name is Makayla! What's your name little boy?" They hit it off IMMEDIATELY! It took him a few hours to come out of his shell with me, which is completely understandable! I knew that this was all going to be new to him so I didn't get too pushy, but by the end of the day on Sunday he was completely out of his shell!

The weekend was perfect, the weather was perfect, the kids got along perfect...it was too perfect! Saturday night as we sat in the backyard, Phillip on the grill, and the kids running around, I just couldn't help but think that I could definitely get use to this. I could see myself there, picturing the swing set we would buy and the pool, picturing Makayla's things in one of the bedrooms, taking trips to the PX and Commissary on the weekends. We even talked about getting a boat for trips to the river.

I finally got to experience the family that I've always wanted, and it has completely scared me to death! I'm scared of getting hurt again. Now that I've gotten a taste I'm hooked, like a drug, and I want more! I want more perfect weekends like this! One thing I've learned about drugs though, is no matter how good they make you feel they will hurt you! My head is screaming right now...."RUN! Run far and fast before you get hurt again!" But what if I'm finally getting what I've always wanted? What if my dreams are finally coming true? Is it worth risking the pain?

Yummy in my Tummy!

As some may know I've been trying really hard to eat better, and by better I don't just mean to loose weight; by better I mean organically, naturally, locally (this last one is a little harder to do). Anywho...unfortunately the whole organic, naturally, local movement has not completely caught on so it makes it even more difficult. Well last summer my BFF from when I was in the Army decided to move from Tacoma, WA to New Orleans and on her way down she made a pit stop here in Memphis. While she was here she introduced me to my healthiest addiction ever.... VEGGIE CHIPS!!! They are dehydrated veggies such as sweet potatoes, squash, zucchini, and green beans with just a little spice added and they are MUY BIEN! Way better for you than potato chips, but satisfy that same crunchy craving! She purchased hers from a locally owned grocery store in Tacoma that makes them right there in the store out of locally grown produce!!! Well, I've searched Memphis high and low for at least a pre-packaged version to no avail! Even Whole Foods didn't have any! Well I found them at an online store called ohnuts.com and ordered 2 lbs! I'm telling you ladies, if you have small children and are trying to get them to eat veggies...these are perfect for you! They also have all kinds of nuts, dried fruits, trail mixes, and other goodies! Go to their website and check them out!!!!

A short prayer for my family & friends

Thank you Lord, for blessing us with so many wonderful gifts. Help make Your power real to me and to all believers. Help all believers to grow and flourish in all circumstances. Help us to see beyond the appearance and surface of things and see into the deeper matters of You, Our Father and Our Lord. Help us to see, feel, trust and know that You are in control of all and hold a promise for us, a gift of eternal life in Your Precious Son, Our Savior, and a multitude of spiritual blessings and fruits beyond our very short-sighted and limited viewpoint. Help make it real to us. Help us to trust. Help us to know that wherever we are and whatever is happening around us, that You have given us the power of the Holy Spirit and the peace of our Lord. In Jesus' Name I pray...Amen.

Hangover...

Have you ever had one of those weekends where things were so great and you enjoyed being with a person so much, that come Sunday (or Monday in today's case) when it's time for them to leave you just feel really depressed? It's like when you go out on a Saturday night and party it up, you have a blast and you don't want the night to end! Then you wake up on Sunday and you almost feel like you wish the night before wouldn't have happened. You know that kind of happiness never lasts, the party always ends, everyone has to go home...all you are left with are the memories. Is all the pleasure worth the pain?

Maybe it's just me trying to over analyze everything and pick it apart until you can't even recognize it anymore. I am a pro at that! When it comes to men, relationships, love...I've always been all or nothing...full speed or at a stand still...all in or I'm ready to fold. I know that scares a lot of guys off, hell when guys act like that with me I can't run away fast enough, but love is about the only emotion I know how to express. I'm trying so hard not to screw anything up this time, trying not to jump in without testing the waters, trying to hold back, trying to just let things run their course without forcing them down the road I want them to go, trying....

All gave some...

Happy Memorial Day!!

I just want to remind everyone to take some time today and say a special prayer for all the soldiers past, present and future that have sacrificed for this country! Even if you don't believe in the cause of the war, always remember the cause of the soldier! Also, please say an extra special prayer for those soldiers families! Believe me, it's one of the hardest things in the world to send the person you love off not knowing if you will ever see them again. Then hearing the confusion, anger, sadness, and frustration in their voice every time they call. One of the hardest jobs a person will ever have is being a family member (especially a spouse) to a deployed soldier...not everyone can do it. So, to all the soldiers and families...May God be with you and give you the strength and the courage you will need.

Trying to calm down

WOOSAH!!!!!

Deep breath in...and out!

I try really hard to not let things get to me. Just let them roll off my back and not get worked up and say things I will later regret. I am usually pretty good about this, I've learned to control my anger pretty well...but damn it! If there is one person on the face of this entire earth that can set it off it's Ben (aka my baby daddy)!

Just a bit of background...we met in Aug. '04 and on Oct. 31 '04 I found out I was pregnant with Makayla. It was not a planned pregnancy in the least (I was still recovering from the loss of my first pregnancy which resulted in the divorce from that marriage), but a miracle is a miracle! When I told Ben I told him I understood if he decided he didn't want to be a part of the babies life, but I was gonna keep it. At first he decided not to be, but 2 weeks later he changed his mind and told me he wanted to be a man and take responsibility. He told me he didn't love me and didn't want to get married just because of the baby and I was definitely in agreement with him on the marriage thing, but was irrevocably head over heals in love with him. Despite his confession he soon told me he loved me and in February he asked me to marry him. I of course said yes and on May 15, 2005 we were married! Then on June 25, 2005 we were blessed with a gorgeous baby girl! My life was perfect!

One thing I learned quickly about Ben was he strived hard for peoples affection. If he wasn't secure in his belief that he had yours he would do whatever he could to get it, and make you fall in love with him. As soon as he knew he had you he was quick to move on to gain the affection of the next person, and leave you standing there hoping to gain a small peek into that person that done back flips to gain your attention! I'd seen him do it with his family and friends, but had managed to fool myself into thinking he would not do it to me.

Two weeks before Makayla's 1st birthday I received a call from the girl he had been having an affair with almost a year. My whole body felt like it had just burst into flames. I cried for my broken heart, but I cried even harder because I knew what this would mean for Makayla. For the next year I fought and cried and became completely lost in getting my family back together. Even though he had moved in with this other girl I had not given up hope at the thought that things would work out.

A few months later he won a regional karaoke contest and his prize was a trip to Laughlin, NV (not far from Las Vegas) to compete in a national competition. He asked me to go with him and moved back home. I was so happy! I knew that this was it! I knew he'd finally come to his senses and things were gonna be golden for his from here on out! When I got to Laughlin I found out he was actually still seeing her and talking to her behind my back. I was crushed but still I tried to put on a happy face and give him all the attention he wanted. The day we got back to town he couldn't wait to get me home so he could go see her, I knew it but I talked myself into believing that he just had to go into work early. Even when I found out a few weeks later that she was pregnant I still bent over backwards to make it work. I told him we would work through it and I would be here for him through it.

We were still of and on and off and on. After everything he had put me through I still couldn't let go! Then on June 4 I got a phone call, Lane was born that morning. Two years to the month that his daughter was born, his son was born. As soon as I heard the baby crying in the background that last little thread broke...I couldn't do it anymore! I'd had enough! Two years and nearly 50 lbs later (I'd lost so much weight the girl with the big boobs and the big butt was now being asked if she was anorexic!) I'd finally found my breaking point!

Well in 2 weeks it will be the 2 year anniversary of this day and that man still is driving me crazy! He doesn't have anything to do with his son, he works part time as a karaoke dj on Beale St., on the weekends he's suppose to have Makayla he drops her off at his moms, and I have to hunt him down like a dog to get any kind of child support from him! I don't mean to sound like I'm bashing him, but I work my ass off to try and give Makayla a decent life and it just kills me when he doesn't have $20 to give me for milk and bread, but is able to go out of town on vacation for the weekend! Oh, but he's going with his mom and brother to Branson...so wouldn't it have been nice if they could have taken Makayla? She would have loved to go some place like that for the weekend...it's Branson not Las Vegas! Next to Disneyland that's one of the most kid friendly places in the U.S.! Instead she's gonna be stuck in the house with me all weekend with nothing to do because I had to spend all my money on bills to make sure she has a roof over her head! Then when I point this out he tries to make me feel like I'm some money hungry tyrant and I'm a bad mom! Agh!!!!!!!

WOOSAH!

I'm getting all worked up again. I just need to calm down. I know that Makayla and I will make it. I know that even though it is hard I am doing what is best for her and one day she will understand and appreciate that. I just hope that one day she doesn't look back and wonder why she wasn't good enough for her fathers attention. I hope that because he's such a dumb ass she won't question her own self worth. I pray that God will give me the strength and the knowledge to make the right decisions and be the best mother AND father that I can be.